At work, someone has started putting up badly written poems in the kitchen, and people keep thinking that I wrote them and I have to say, "No, because the scansion on those is terrible." And they look at me with pity because I am too far gone. Anyway, the poems keep appearing, so one of my colleagues asked me to write a 'response' piece. This is that piece:
The Phantom Poem Poster
The Phantom Poem Poster’s posting poems on our patch
And, every time we go to look, he’s made another batch.
He’s wily and evasive and he’s really hard to catch:
But two can play at that game and I think he’s met his match!
We’re hunting down the Poster, using everything we can:
They could be part of management, a woman or a man,
But ”he”s correct in grammar (plus it’s easier to scan)
And all of our presumptions mean it’s probably a man.
We don’t know who the Phantom is, or what he’s posting for;
He’s crossed the line from anecdote to A&D folklore.
And every poem posted on this kitchen cupboard door
Makes us want to find him out, so much we nearly swore!
We’ve rigged up all the cameras, and the coloured dyes, of course.
And we won’t be content until we’ve found the sneaky source.
We’re making our inquiries, we’ll shout until we’re hoarse!
Coz poetry in public isn’t something we endorse.
We know it’s not important, and we shouldn’t cause a fuss
But mystery identities just really bother us.
We’re on the edge of knowing now, we’ve nearly got him sussed
(We’re hoping to enrol him in poets anonymous.)
So Phantom Poem Poster, you should know your card is marked.
You’re not the only one to play this poem-posting lark.
We challenge you to show yourself (with exclamation mark)
Or, if you’d rather duel in verse, then we will let you start…
I'll let you know if he (or she) responds...