Thursday, 19 September 2013


Today is international Talk like a Pirate day, so I thought I'd write something piratical to mark the occasion! 

I'd really like to tell you that this poem is all about the evils of rampant consumerism and the trivialisation of Western culture through unnecessary spending - but really it's just about pirates in a shopping centre. I hope you like it! 

Help Wanted

Angela Smith worked in retail –
Not an inconsequential detail –
And given that she
Wasn't working at sea,
That day had turned odd on a grand scale.

See: Angie got kidnapped by pirates.
They seized the whole top floor of Primark!
An elaborate ruse
To get them new shoes:
The captain likes shopping in private.

They hoisted their Roger – quite jolly –
Tied to the stock taking trolley.
The vanguard advanced
Through piles of pants
And they fed all the make-up to Polly.

The parrot, once full, was then quite sick;
Seems the bird was allergic to lipstick
And Angie's not sweet
On peaky parakeets
She had to escape, had to think quick!

Unused to a pirate attack,
The Saturday girls all hung back.
These fair weather staff
Wanted time and a half
Coz invasions were not in their contracts.

And the pirates had keelhauled Diego!
And hung his corpse out of the window!
Sure, he was a pain
But this is insane!
I mean, who's going to man the front till now?

But Angela formed a great plan
To use the till’s barcoding scan.
It’d be a surprise
As she lasered their eyes!
If only she had a free hand!

Tied to a grey folding table,
Willing to help, but unable.
See, it's hard to take stock
When you're tied up with socks
To the leg of a grey folding table.

She imagined her death would be briny –
Hoped the pain would bearably tiny –
When the pirates encountered
The jewellery counter
(They’re suckers for anything shiny).

They piled the gold into their pockets,
Wooden legs and hollow eye sockets.
There sat Angie, relieved,
As she watched them all leave.
There’s no way that she could’ve stopped it.

Was she unjustly serene
After witnessing such a foul scene?
As Angie asserts,
They’ll get just desserts
When that ‘gold’ turns their skin a bright green!

More Pirates in Primark? There’s no risk
So no need to look quite so nervous.
Caught at the car boot
Flogging all of their loot
They all got community service.

So when shopping, there's no need to fear
Bloodthirsty and cruel buccaneers!
The shop's doing fine
Well, most of the time,
Though they need a replacement cashier.

1 comment:

  1. "Tied to a grey folding table,
    Willing to help, but unable." ...funiest part imo :)

    so, Penzance has a Primark now does it?
    Or was this a Fen-based pirate shinanagans? :D