Have you ever put up with shoddy rented accommodation just because it was easier than moving house again? If so, you might feel sympathy for the narrator of this poem. Then again, you might not.
I don't mean to sound so ungrateful
But I must put my cards on the table:
My grievances listed,
My words can't be twisted,
I'll state my case, far as I'm able.
There's nothing that's wrong with the room;
The furnishings all look well-groomed.
The kitchen is clean,
The bathroom's pristine,
But I can't shake this feeling of doom.
I don't mean to hurt any feelings
But I can see the stars through the ceiling.
This hole in the roof
Is a burden in truth.
I'm afraid it's just not that appealing.
I know you're a lonely old fella
But your listening skills could be better.
It's not 'home ventilation'
It's major vexation
And I can't sleep beneath this umbrella.
I can see you there watching me sleeping
Don't you think it's a little bit creepy?
I need a reprieve!
I've begun to believe
The conclusions to which we're all leaping.
Plus I found severed ears on the floor!
And faint screaming behind each closed door!
I'm breaking my contract
And cutting all contact.
It's just like a scene out of 'Saw'.
The legal fees may be immense
But I'm not one to sit on the fence:
I've got to move out,
No question or doubt,
The atmosphere here's too intense.
But this flat's in cushy location,
Near the shops, plus it's close to the station.
It's no business of mine
How you spend your spare time
And we all need our own recreation.
It might be the postman deserved it.
(He did give a pretty poor service.)
You may be deluded,
But all bills are included!
Moving house again makes me feel nervous.
If I blank out the lamps made of skin
It's not a bad place to live in.
Don't ask and don't tell
And ignore the corpse smell.
Sign the lease and we're happy: win/win.
Now, I don't want to get in your way,
Or indulge these sick games that you play,
But if you would consent
To waive this month's rent,
Then begrudgingly, I think I'll stay.