In the three hundred years since this vampire was sired
I've never even had a day off.
But now, I feel achy and all the time tired
And I can't shake this terrible cough.
I'd forgotten, over time, what it felt to be poorly,
I'm shaky and sickly and frail.
It can't be my lifestyle that's caused this, no, surely!
Other vamps even say I look pale!
It's the quality of my diet that's doing me in,
Convenience blood is just so much fatter.
I can feel the cholesterol on my lips and my chin;
It's the consistency of pancake batter.
The main problem is that the fat ones are slow
And comparably easy to catch.
I haven't time for healthy victims, I'm a vampire on the go,
So it's the big ones I prefer to dispatch.
Then, there's my fangs, I've got two gnashers left!
It's sugar-blood from those diabetics.
No one wants a vampire to gum them to death!
So it's practical and not just cosmetic.
I feel so run down, I need to get fit,
I need a re-vamp (if you'll pardon the pun.)
I'm a bit out of shape, that much I'll admit,
But how can my fate be re-spun?
I need to look at my diet, go elsewhere to eat,
If healthy life force I now hope to pillage.
I need to go somewhere that's full of athletes,
So I'm relocating to the Olympic Village.
It's been three hundred years since this vampire was sired
And I've never even had a day off.
But thanks to the Olympics I'm no longer tired,
And I will shake this terrible cough.