Friday, 20 April 2012


Look, William. (It is William, isn't it?)
Without nudity, this film just won't be a hit.
Can't Lady Macbeth show a flash of her tit?
Can't you write a sex scene? (And make sure it's well lit.)
There must be some action, do you catch my drift?
Maybe Banquo and Duncan could have a gay tryst?
Like Broke Back Mountain, with a spectral twist.
Audiences love it when two grown men kiss!
If you'd rather not tweak it, let's read the next play:
You've set it in Denmark, can we call it LA?
This dialogue's terrible! Hamlet talks in cliché!
And Ophelia's death means we'll lose the 12A.
And there's far too much soliloquizing.
(Mad monologue muttering that'll need revising.)
A cartoon pet buddy is what I'm advising.
Perhaps a large talking cat? Get the CGI guys in!
Othello looks good, but could be made better:
If he were a robotic cyborg with a mindless vendetta.
Add an alien love interest and you won't regret her.
Do we really need to follow the script to the letter?
Of all of your work, I think I like Twelfth Night the best,
But can we give the whole “girl dressed as boy” thing a rest?
(It was poorly received in the audience tests.)
I can tell from your face that you're less than impressed.
Ok: make Shylock a zombie, who hungers for meat
And Antonio our hero, who he'd just love to eat.
(Though all reference to Jews I insist we delete;
Your blatant racism must take back seat.)
Not keen on that? Right, well, this one needs rehashing,
There's potential and fire and plenty of passion,
But the names of your stars are a little old-fashioned.
So for Romeo and Juliet, read: Chantelle and Ashton.
Much Ado About Nothing needs vampire hoards!
And King Lear with explosions will smash box office records!
Porno versions of The Tempest simply must be explored!
(Some wordier scenes we will have to ignore.)
William? Don't go! You have so much to gain!
You've just got to play by the rules of our game.
We could give you such power and money and fame!
Fine! Go! But you won't work in this town again!

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