I was once so addicted to morphine,
That I tried to chew off my own chin.
I had surgery to fix my third bum cheek.
I was born with a tail and a fin.
I was held hostage in seventeen bank heists.
I once killed and ate a giraffe.
I foiled a bomb plot with tampons.
I could die every time that I laugh.
I wear women's clothes in the day time,
But a full badger suit after hours.
I've slept with my sister and all three of my dads.
I have an odd urge to eat purple flowers.
My nan is a call girl, my uncle's in jail.
I found a human toe in my pea soup.
I started a cult that worships baked beans.
I'm the only one in my blood group.
I was kidnapped by twelve nesting mute swans.
My knees hold secrets of national import.
I've made this all up for the fifty quid fee.
Enough current affairs, here's the sport.