Sunday, 12 December 2010

Fairytale Psychiatrist

In all my years as a psychiatrist
I never knew such strange cases could exist
Till I was seconded to a practise in Fairy Land
The mental health problems there are really out of hand!

The first through the door with a flick of her hair
Was a full-blown narcoleptic, full of despair
'A spinning-wheel spell left me dazed and confused.'
She murmured before falling into a snooze.

I wouldn't have minded apart from that she
Left in an ambulance without paying the fee.
The next was a women who lived in a shoe
So I phoned social housing, to see what they could do

With over twenty dependants (from different fathers too)
She's clear a nymphomaniac through and through.
I gave her some pills to curb her carnal desires
And told her to hold off the shagging, in case she expires.

Goldilocks next came into the surgery
She jumped straight over my desk and sat on my knee
It was clear that this woman had no boundaries
She'd been charged with house-breaking, a minor felony

So I booked her a course of CBT
Hoping they'd help her be less friendly.
A similar trouble for Gretel and Hansel
Whose unhealthy relationship needed some council

After a traumatic experience with a witch in the woods
They'd become much closer than siblings should
And though they were shy and didn't want to admit it
Marks on the boy's neck matched his sister's lipstick.

A phone call was made and police were sought
You can't admit incest and expect not to get caught.
Though their father disowned them, and things were quite fraught
I hope they can all make it up, once they're out of the courts.

The day's end loomed and I was feeling glad
This was the most exhausting job I'd ever had!
The last girl to come in had skin white as snow
And lips as red as the reddest rose

At first, or course, she was coquettish
Worried she might her reputation tarnish
Forced to come by her husband and feeling foolish
She admitted she had a severe midget fetish.

Before she married her man, and settled in France
She had lived with seven miners of diminutive stance
She went on to describe what great lovers they were
And I decided the session should end right there.

With the day finally over, I heaved a sigh of relief
In all my years as a shrink, I've never taken such grief!
As I packed up my bag, one thing was plain
I'll never cover for Mother Goose again!

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