Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Queen of the backhanded compliment (or New Year's Eve with Aunt Margaret)

Your ears look much less saucer-like
When your hair is up like that
But it doesn't do your forehead favours
Consider wearing a hat.

Your dress is so unusual
Wherever did you buy it?
They do your size M & S now
Really, you should try it.

And your shoes are so adorable
What lovely little bows
They're so conveniently pointed
You can barely see your toes!

How are your dear old mum and dad?
Do you still live at home?
I guess it's that much cheaper
Than renting a flat on your own.

And are you still in your old job?
I must say I'm impressed
You stuck to your guns, and didn't give in
To better prospects of money and success.

It must be nice and comfortable
To not be striving for more
Climbing up the career ladder
Can sometimes be a chore.

And no one on you arm tonight?
No new boyfriend to share?
Cheer up my solitary dove
There'll always be next year!

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Fairytale Psychiatrist

In all my years as a psychiatrist
I never knew such strange cases could exist
Till I was seconded to a practise in Fairy Land
The mental health problems there are really out of hand!

The first through the door with a flick of her hair
Was a full-blown narcoleptic, full of despair
'A spinning-wheel spell left me dazed and confused.'
She murmured before falling into a snooze.

I wouldn't have minded apart from that she
Left in an ambulance without paying the fee.
The next was a women who lived in a shoe
So I phoned social housing, to see what they could do

With over twenty dependants (from different fathers too)
She's clear a nymphomaniac through and through.
I gave her some pills to curb her carnal desires
And told her to hold off the shagging, in case she expires.

Goldilocks next came into the surgery
She jumped straight over my desk and sat on my knee
It was clear that this woman had no boundaries
She'd been charged with house-breaking, a minor felony

So I booked her a course of CBT
Hoping they'd help her be less friendly.
A similar trouble for Gretel and Hansel
Whose unhealthy relationship needed some council

After a traumatic experience with a witch in the woods
They'd become much closer than siblings should
And though they were shy and didn't want to admit it
Marks on the boy's neck matched his sister's lipstick.

A phone call was made and police were sought
You can't admit incest and expect not to get caught.
Though their father disowned them, and things were quite fraught
I hope they can all make it up, once they're out of the courts.

The day's end loomed and I was feeling glad
This was the most exhausting job I'd ever had!
The last girl to come in had skin white as snow
And lips as red as the reddest rose

At first, or course, she was coquettish
Worried she might her reputation tarnish
Forced to come by her husband and feeling foolish
She admitted she had a severe midget fetish.

Before she married her man, and settled in France
She had lived with seven miners of diminutive stance
She went on to describe what great lovers they were
And I decided the session should end right there.

With the day finally over, I heaved a sigh of relief
In all my years as a shrink, I've never taken such grief!
As I packed up my bag, one thing was plain
I'll never cover for Mother Goose again!

Friday, 3 December 2010


These portable creatures -

suitcases in green and grey -

lay down their luggage,

deposited on the banks.

Venn Diagrams, consensual circles

pressed together.

The vitreous humours

of a thousand unblinking eyes.

A tangled rope of pearls

yielding to the whim

of Vesna and the water's gentle cadence.

All Spring they cultivate duality.

Amphibious, aqueous, anomalous...

flickering like the lights in your eyes.

Till at last, tiny commas break loose

To punctuate the pond.