Sunday, 22 August 2010

Tractor Tractor. Headlights bright

Tractor Tractor. Headlights bright
On the B roads day and night;
What infernal hands or feet
Gave thee permission to roam the streets?

In what distant garage or shed
Burnt the tracks of thine tyre tread?
In the hands of which conspirator
Was thou licensed to overuse the right indicator?

And why, on such a narrow road
Must thou carry a great wide load?
And why affix cargo so it is less than secure
So those in your wake are showered with manure?

Which evil hands suffered thee to make
So slow yet so difficult to overtake?
What hellish mechanic and deadly crew
Made twelve miles per hour the fastest thou canst do?

When John Froelich set down his tools
And promptly threw out all highway rules:
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the lamborghini make thee?

Tractor Tractor. Headlights bright
On the B roads late at night;
What infernal hands or feet
Gave thee permission to roam the streets?

Oedipus! You idiot! What have you done?

Oedipus! You idiot!
What have you done?
You've killed off your father
And married your mum!

Melodrama this gruesome
Ultimately renders
The Greek tragedy
As grim as Eastenders!

The Oracle at Delphi said
If Laius and Jocasta bore a son
He'd kill off his father
And marry his mum.

So like every good parent
With the greatest composure
The King order the lad to be crippled
And left to die of exposure.

The servant took pity
On our poor protagonist
(If Laius had known about that
He would have been pissed!)

So after a good few years -
A strange chain of events -
He became the prince of Corinth
With royal adoptive parents.

The oracle from before
Gives the same prophecy
The Oedy will kill off his dad
And marry his mummy.

Oedipus, worried
Flies into exile
Away from the King and Queen of Corinth
And into the wild.

But who should he meet
But Laius, his father,
With whom he argues and kills
What a massive palaver!

For killing the Sphinx
The king's widow is proffered
And you know its quite rude
To refuse a Queen when offered!

So the oracle was right
And true the prophecy had come
Oedipus had killed his own dad
And had four kids with his mum!

When he found out the truth
Oedipus gouged out both his eyes
(Well this is Greek tragedy
So it should come as no surprise.)

If you ask me, the oracle
should've been straight from the start
She caused all the trouble
With her mysterious art.

The moral of the story,
Don't be stupid and dumb
Don't kill your dad
And don't sleep with your mum!

Sunday, 8 August 2010

The Suitor

The Suitor

'I think she was drunk when she met him. Of course, that's no excuse.'

'If anything, its all the more shocking!'

'Well, apparently he was very charming, despite the obvious...' She searched for an appropriate phrase, one that would leave the liberal, politically-correct image she had constructed for herself intact. '...physical abnormality.'

The three women pursed their lips and drank their tea.

'You should she the claw-marks on her back! So vulgar.'

'But really! A Bengal Tiger? Where did she meet him?'

'The theatre, so she says. He asked her to dinner, made impeccable conversation and walked her to her car. He even mauled the traffic warden who was gave her a parking ticket. He's a real gentleman.'

'He's taking her to Goa this weekend, to meet his parents.'

The three women sighed and drank their tea.