The Cat has a purr like a scooter-motor and a meow as thick and sharp as brambles.
The Cat wants what you have, right up until the moment you relinquish it
When the value of any object decreases exponentially.
The Cat will take care of any crumbs or dropped food items, and doesn't even charge for the service.
The Cat has a loving - if not entirely reciprocal relationship - with the tin-opener.
The Cat is under the impression that she is transparent, and thus is able to sit directly in your field of vision.
The Cat is an expert interior designer, with a particular specialism in 'holes and dribble' chic.
The Cat has not mastered the art of decorum when washing herself
And thinks that it's appropriate to lick her bum, then try to lick your face.
The Cat needs to be shown how to work the cat flap EVERY SINGLE TIME.
The Cat does not appreciate being forced in to any items of clothing
Or having banana labels stuck to her nose.
The Cat does not care for telephone conversations which exclude her,
And sometimes conducts dirty protests, in order to make her feelings known.
The Cat has forgotten her real name
Instead she is Puss-Cat,Fluffy-wuffles, Chubby-Tubbington or Mrs Pussington-Smythe.
The Cat does not enjoy being shut out of rooms, and expresses her displeasure by being sick on the rug.
The Cat walks around with a smug sense of superiority
And watches in disgust as you eat cereal from a mug and watch children's cartoons
At three o'clock on a tuesday afternoon.
The Cat knows that she is not your pet, that you are her person.
The Cat is infuriating, condecending and emotionally-distant.
And as soon as she grows thumbs
You'll be the first against the wall.